Dedicated to preserving the long lost art of body modification in housepets.

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We get soooo much Mail!

Q While vacationing in Tibet earlier this year, I saw many bonsai kitties for the first time. I was so charmed by the little rhombuses and oblate spheroids playing in the town squares, and I wondered why we did not know about this in America. Then, while visiting the ancient Mount Yarlha Shampo, we met a monk who was a practitioner of Bonism, the native religion of Tibet. He had the most amazing bonsai kitty I have ever seen, a Mobius cat, black on one side and white on the other, and it was impossible to tell where each started and ended. The cat, like the monk, was quite old, and I was sorrowed to think about the lifetime of expertise that would be lost when this old master passed away. I would like to thank you for all your obvious hard work in refining and modernizing this ancient Eastern art, creating some much-needed standardization, and making it convenient for Westerners to be able to enjoy the unique, beautiful and often hilarious aspects of bonsai kitty ownership.
P.S. Have you thought about molding kitties into wearable shapes? This could create a fashion tidal wave!

A Thank you for your personal reflections. We have not created any Bonsai Kittens specifically as clothing accessories as yet, but with the way business is booming it can't be far off.

Q I have two full-grown cats whose size I would like to reduce for several reasons. Do you sell any products which I could use to shink them to kittens' proportions? Any help you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

A Unfortunately, once a cat is fully grown it is much too late and will never be a cute little kitten size again. That is why it is important to start early. If you want them to get just a little bit smaller, you could try feeding them less.

Q Following your explicit instructions, we created our bonsai kitty in Montana. Everything worked so well, especially the, er, rear compartment. However,now that we have moved to Tierra del Fuego, where the the water goes the other way....well, you can see our problem. Thoughts?

A There should be no problems due to coriolis issues in a Bonsai Kitten, however you may want to be sure to dust the vent areas with an appropriate anti-fungal powder to prevent ingress of tropical fungal infection.

Q St John's College, Cambridge, England. 16th January 2001 Love the site, love the concept.  Unfortunately, as you may be aware, Oxford and Cambridge colleges ban the keeping of cats, dogs and the like. However, in the past individuals such as Lord Byron have been able to satisfy their desire for companionship in other ways. Do you think it would be possible to practise Bonsai upon a bear? Your obedient bonsai-o-phile.

Q I love the BonsaiKitten. What a wonderful idea! I was wondering.....I have a new baby horse named Richard. I want to put some item on his penis to culture it into a more desirable shape. I am thinking about some conic shape. Do you think that a vase of the appropriate size and shape would work? Please respond, I can't wait to get started.

Q Are you sure it would not be possible to make a bonsai gerbil or mouse? They are very squishy, as is demonstrated by their ability to squeeze under doors. A bonsai gerbil would be perfect for my very small apartment here in New York and would require less upkeep than a kitten i beleive. He could be placed in a bonsai garden of sorts, enclosed with greenery in a glass cage. I am afraid that becuase of its size and my very busy lifestyle I could not accomodate a bonsai kitten. On the otherhand, a bonsai gerbil would make the perect addition to my abode.

A See our previous answers in the main section of the guestbook under "Improper Animals".

Q Dear sir/madam, My heart is warmed to think that our american cousins have taken to the noble art of cat sculpture. Here in England we have been practicing this glorious art form since the victorian era. I am writing to offer some tips, the thing is i belive that cat sculpture should be accesable to everyone, and that should include the working classes. What you may or may not realise is that a lot of these peasants simply cannot afford luxury items like plastic and glass jars to stuff there cats into. Another inexpensive way of bending a cats bones is to simply take hold of it while still a very young defenseless kitten, and give it a bloody good thrashing with a cricket bat until it is bent to your will. I understand that you american savages do not play cricket, so you may substitute a cricket bat for a rounders or should i say baseball bat. You will find it very rewarding and inexpensive. Yours respectfully Sir Phillip Lung.

A The practicality of the English!

Q Dear bonsai kitty folk, The idea of joining older cats together to form new geometric patterns is not at all novel. In fact, it was the subject of the poet Goethe's thesis grant, Die Katzenjammerslicerundspreadenallarounder. I Have found this method to be an excellent way of providing diversion for my mobility impaired bonsai kittens, as I have joined older cats into "O-ring" type formations, and slid the new formations over the blades of a ceiling fan. By varying the fan's rotational speed, the "Loopies" (as I affectionatly refer to them) can be moved from the innermost areas of the fan blades to the outermost. However, before attempting this, one MUST determine the maximum width of the outside edge of the fan blade, and use a "Looper" with an opening at least .3 cm smaller. Failure to do this can, in some cases, result in a "Looper" being propelled across the room at a significant velocity. Of course, this results in a disturbingly unbalanced ceiling fan. The characteristic and chaotic resultant WACKA WACKE WACKIO sound is highly disruptive to a bonsai kitten's developing nervous system, and can produce a pseudo fur-ball syndrome.

A I think your idea is great! We may try it in our lab where we have an exceptionally large ceiling fan to keep the kittens at an even temperature.

Q Waste Removal. I am not sure how to complete this step. I have the jar, kitty (mamma just had her 3rd litter) sedative, feeding tube and a predrilled hole in the jar. I am just not to sure about the waste removal tube etc. If i use the super glue wont the feces back up into the kitten and kill it. I dont want it dead. i want it to look COOL!! Please email me soon. The kittens still have there eyes closed and i want to hurry before they grow to much

A Removal is not a problem when you use the triple-lumen vent tube in conjunction with the special pump listed on our Paraphernalia page.

Q Wong Chang? I am not given to racism. In fact, some of my best friends happen to be Chinese. But if you are responsible for the bonsaikitten website, then you are a fucking yellow-belly chink. My next trip to the United States, I may pay you a visit, wherever you are.

Q I seen your sight, and its a amansing of how money would make people do such evil to animals. I just hope someone will do the same to you. You said that the chinees do this stuff, well they also kill tigers because they use the body parts for magical potions. Aslo the Japs. they have these little trees, use to eat dead marines and P.O.W. during the war, and it wasn't because they were hungry. Yes, so do what these people do, keep the traditions going.

Q FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU, YOU,FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU AND REA- LLY FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EAT SHIT AND DIE,EAT SHIT AND DIE,EAT SHIT AND DIE,EAT SHIT AND DIE,EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU MOTHER FUCKER CHINESE, GO BACK TO YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY

Q Of course, it had to be a fucking chinese, you dicks think that animals are your fucking private drugstores, i came to think that if someone said that if you cut a chinese dick and mix the blood with the sperm is a gret aphrodisiac all you fuckers would buy it.

A You are racist pigs. Oink Oink!

Q I've been an avid Bonsai Kitticulturist for sometime. I thought I'd tell you about my greatest creation. I travelled to Venice to have a cat-shaped container blown for me by one of the terrific artisans there (the Venicians do things with glass that make the dreams of kitticulturists come true). Then, I inserted a lovely calico I rescued from the SPCA (it always feels so nice to give those desperate kittens a warm loving home). However, I inserted him backwards. My goal was to create a backwards kitten. Well, it took a while, but one year later he was complete. Some minor tail cropping had to be performed. To complete the illusion, I inserted a nose ring in the kitten and, using a small ratcheted winch, gradually stretched his nose into the hollow tail section of the cat-shaped container. Amazingly, this elongated nose actually seems to be prehensile! Well, you can just imagine the surprise and envy people feel when the meet Tac, the bacwards cat. I am bombarded with questions on how I was able to achieve such a feat. A lot of people who don't look closely think his breath is pretty bad though.

A I always thought the face was overrated. I like tail too.

Q I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE KITTIES, AND YOU ARE VERY CRIMINALS. KITTIES ARE ANIMAL, AND WE MUST RESPECT THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T SELL KITTIES. I HOPE THAT PEOPLE ARE INTELLIGENT ETC......... I'M ITALIAN. EXCUSEME FOR MY POOR ENGLISH!!!!!!! I HOPE THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!!!!!

Q dear bastard if you came in Italy to met me I'll breake your head with my shoes! Soon as possible i'll fuck your mother !

Q It is of clear evidence that you are murders, unconscientious people. It is unbelievable that persons like you exist and are allowed to talk. I am sure that you did not realize the content of the information when setting up the website; you were probably under the effect of drugs. For this reason, I am hereby inviting you to immediately close the website warning you that if no step will be taken I will denounce you before the competent Authority. Attorney at law.

Q I'm italian. I'll not spend words unusefully. What you do is horrible. You will undego a Denial of Service as soon as I manage to reach as many friends as I can. And I know many friends of mine who own fibre-channell 10mbits connections under Linux shell. Your site will be down forever.

A Your "English" is charming. Given your command of the language, we wonder how you were able to pick up the subtle nuances conveyed in our site. So many emails from your country! You must have an unnatural connection to your felines.

Q Dear bunch of sick weirdos, I'm writing this to the admin address because I don't want it to be published in that trashcan of your guestbook (any personal reply will be appreciated, though). The fact that some (real or not) dozens of people are writing to you, thanking you for your job and ideas, and appreciating what you do, doesn't necessarily mean you're doing something good. If I'd ever put up a site describing torture methods on human beings, I'd probably get more delighted contacts: this is to say that this world is full of people definitely gone nuts. I wish I lived in NY (or wherever you are) to come there with a couple of friends and do some cleaning-up of your place. It would be nice to throw all your stuff out of the window (hoping you are on a high floor). I hope your site is a joke. I really hope it. I just don't give a fuck about racial questions, you must be asian, so what ? I am not a racist as long as you don't step into my house bringing this kind of "gifts". People in the west side of the world have a different culture, different ideas, different languages and so on: if you want to bottle kittens because it's an "art" in your country, do it *there*. I'm sick of seeing shit like yours on the Internet: my best suggestion, until your site is up and running, is to remove those pictures from the main page (how about an anonymous logo?) putting on a warning about what's inside, with an "I agree" button to access the real thing, just like adult-oriented sites. This will preserve you from further legal actions. That's all about the legal part: on the other hand I would suggest hiding yourself well and installing a couple of strong security locks on your front door, as well as bars on the windows. I won't surely travel thousands of miles to come there and beat the shit out of you, but as I told before, we're living in a world filled with mentally-ill people, and there's always somebody out there ready for you: for each psyco admiring you, there's at least one who'd love to kill you... the more you expose yourself, the higher the risk. Think about it. Please don't publish this email in the guestbook, if you want to answer do it with a private message, and don't send anything to this address which isn't strictly related to it. Any unsolicited message received here will give me the right to ask 150USD as a refund. Sincerely,Greg Lollio, Rome - Italy

A You are a scary man. Our Kittens are quaking in their bottles. One fell on the floor and broke. You are a killer.

Q I can hardly believe people would even want your products, or, for that matter, your service in any way, or even to try these products. I feel sorry for those of you who think of this as entertainment. After all, walnuts are pretty small.

A The best part is, LOTS and LOTS of people want our products! We are laughing all the way to the bank. And our walnuts are bulging!

Q I'm writing you from Spain and I want to know if you could send me your next son or daughter in a bottle of wine (I would say another more original vessel, but my english is not that good). You know, with that boy (or girl) that can't eat or move by himself, with such an original boy, I would be my friend's and neighbour's envy. Every one would want to have your bonsai-children and you'll make more money than now (which is what you really want). Besides having such an original shape, those children would be the happiest children in the world as they are so different and popular (the base of happiness, isn't it?). Well, I think that your descendants are not to be blamed of your mental insanity, so I suggest that you put your prick in a little vessel with the shape of a pig's tail and you would be the "corkscrew man". Don't you like the idea? Is it maybe because you have a brain (a bonsai-brain, may I say) and you can decide if you want to make that? You said you can't do that to a person, but you can bind your child's head to make it look like a cucumber, can't you? So, why don't you do that? Don't you want to be everybody's envy? Don't you want to have a really original child? He/she would be as happy as you say your cats are. Don't you want your children to be happy? I don't mind if you have the appropriate licenses. I don't mind if it's legal. Bullfightings are also legal in my country and I hate them as well as you. Good bye Dr. Mengele. You can post this message in your board or answer me by private mail or throw this to the bin. I don't mind. I just said what I wanted to say.

Q I am a Spanish woman and I think what you are doing with these kitten is a murder... your company is killing hundreds of these animals just to make them "momias". Please, can you explain to me why are you so criminal? Don't you earn your money without damaging animals? I hope your dirty bussines will slump and crash and you received from the society the most cruel discrimination. I am a tolerant person with another cultures and ways of behavior but what you are doing should be prosecute all over the world. Sonia Arse, Madrid, Spain

A Ah, the Spanish. A day of brilliant sunshine.

Q I have found that my adult cat has developed a rubbery enough body texture that he can be molded into just about any shape, provided that the form is large enough for him. Extra-large Danish Butter Cookie tins work quite well, as do large Bundt pans. However, he won't retain his shape after I take him out. Well, I mean he reverts to his original, boring cat shape. Is there a recommended fixative which can be sprayed onto the cat to allow him to retain a fancy molded-in shape? I'm thinking of using one of those big US Map Jello molds, as his Texas is already fairly well formed.

A Please keep us updated on the progress with your adult rubbery cat. We are sorry to inform you that we think that your cat probably has bone cancer. He is in need of a pine box, not fixative.

Q I am so overwhelmed with joy at discovering your relevationary web site. I don't know how to thank you for indeed, you have saved my marriage. My wife has always wanted a cat - a desire to which I have strenuously objected due to deep seated beliefs, and this conflict has obviously put a lot of stain on our marriage. At last we can reconcile our differences - my wifes' desire for a kitty, and my belief that the only good cat is a flat cat. Once again, a very heart-felt thank you.

A Another life touched by the Bonsai!

Q A most unique site - extremely well written, and you are obviously above average in educational levels. Truly creative, although perhaps somewhat warped and perverse. I'm assuming that is the whole point of this exercise, but not quite certain as to what avail. There is also the additional expense of private domain and as there are no advertising banners, cannot see how you could be generating any income from traffic. So my final resolve was that this is the basis for a thesis on mental health. That or you're just a twit with a lot of extra time and cash. Almost broke down and spent the 20 cents a minute to call, but decided I wasn't quite that curious. I am a cat breeder and at least once a year I get a phone call from someone wanting to put on a truly spectacular gourmet meal, and wishes to buy a number of cats for the occassion. Frankly can't see any point in being upset, as it's usually their goal, so I just play the game and we have a lovely chat regarding sauces, stuffings (because not much meat on the young ones), whether it would be advantageous to make them into pies as they would stretch a bit further, and afterall, this would be a pricey meal. Conversations don't usually last too long, as they aren't getting the reaction that they seek and haven't figured out what to do for a follow up. I rather enjoy turning the tables on them. Your URL was posted on one of the "breeder" egroups and forwarded to me from a breeder associate who was quite apalled. I phoned a couple of my other breeder buds and we all had a good chuckle - takes all kinds. So, I hope you're managing to get your rocks off on the reactions after putting in so much time, effort, creative energy and cash. Would also appreciate return post to clarify purpose of site. Thanks PM

A Although some of the responses to the site are obviously penned by loonies, the purpose of the site is certainly not to support a thesis of mental health! We are just simple workers practicing our time-honored craft in the land of opportunity.

Q I wonder what the implications of trying to raise a kitten in a Klein bottle shape would be. It would obviously not quite work in a three-dimensional space like the one we live in, but still, would it be possible to make a projection from a proper four-dimensional Klein kitten? Or would it vanish into nothingness the first time it tries to reach around and lick its back? These are most important considerations for my next bonsai kitten project and your expert advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your concern, X-Palindrome: Step on no pets.

A We realize the problems inherent in sub-dimensional projections w.r.t. the Klein bottle kitty. We beg your indulgence.

Q Please find attached a photo of our little fluffball. After hearing of your revolutionary technique, we invested in the sphere kit, shoved little fluffy in, and 6 weeks later, the result is delightful! Fluffball loves the children, and now she is never left out of their games, frequently participating in rounds of soccer, tennis and baseball. Our other cat, Dermot also loves to play with her, batting her round and round the kitchen (and once losing her behind the couch for two weeks!). Thank you Bonsai Kitten, for enriching our lives with this bouncing bundle of joy!

A Please, when playing soccer with your BK, do not kick too hard!

Q What kind of irresponsible person or people are you to suggest such techniques. We have people killing small children, dismembering them, and cooking them as soup and serving them to neighbors. Maybe Bonsai Kids is next on your schedule.

A I assure you, Bonsai Children are not on OUR schedule! But I warn you, since you say you have people doing illegal and horrid things to your small children (where do you live by the way, so we can send the police to your door), the Bonsai Kitten procedure only works with Felinis Domesticus!

Q I would just like to say that anyone who does not feel that appreciating all that is the bonsai kitten is appropriate, is just ignorant to the beauty that is bonsai. These people who say they are "outraged" are in fact just ignorant, silly, and most likely inbred buffoons. You should be proud of all the work you have done to perfect the art of bonsai and should not pay much , if any attention, at all to the people who are a black plague to this earth and who do not appreciate the artistry that is bonsai.

A Luckily, most of the mail we receive is positive. We like to present both sides however, so we post a lot of the "crank" emails as well.

Q Your technique is quite interesting, if not a bit flawed (concerning sterility issues and low survival rates for rectal reroutees). I used similar techniques in a recently declassified military project, known simply as CATNIPPERS. The project was designed to create a innocuous yet lethal pet assassin. Creation of the "bonsai" cat as you call it was also useful in certain techniques used to produce SHAM rage (i.e. an extremely peeved and violent cat) via lesioning cetain brain sites in the cat. So, after the "bonsai"ing and lobotomy, you would end up with a cutely deformed and dangerous cat. Combined with the genetic mutation clw+/clw-psn (which makes cats' claws succeptible to an extremely virulent form of "Cat Scratch Fever" fungi), you would obviously have a gift fit only for someone you want to die. Unfortunately methods, mutations, fungal strains and brain sites are still classified, so you will be unable to produce your own Kitty Harvey Oswald.

A We always keep our kittens in a sterile environment and keep them heavily medicated to avoid the complications you mention. We do not condone the use of our Bonsai Kittens for warmaking purposes.

Q I have a recipe for a Persian Twist bonsai kitten.

1. You take 2 persian kittens, for full effect use one white persian, and a black one.

2. Use a glass funnel tube, about 5 inches in diameter, and about a foot long.

3. Attach 2-4 rubber bands around both of the kittens abdomens, so that they are joined lengthwise.

4. Stuff them in the funnel jar.

5. About 2 months later, remove them from the jar, by then their bodies will be extremely elongated and rubbery, you can now twist their merged torso's into a beautifull white and black bonsai-kitten spiral.

6. Finally, put them back in the jar for another month or two, and you will be ecstatic with your new Persian Bonsai Kitten Twist!

recipe by Alan S. aka the Conspirace

A Thanks for the tip! However we must mention that if your kitten's bones are still rubbery after two months, you should probably be adding more milk to their food slurry. We would recommend growing the kittens separately in twisty tubes having an identical thread pitch, and then screwing them together afterwards when finished.

Q I would just like to take a second to commend you on your marvelous work with the famed "Bonsai Kitten." Your technique and creativity are unmatched even by the masters of old. I also have a question: Would it be possible to order a set of Bonsai Kittens that spelled out a person's name? My wife is having a birthday relatively soon, and I think that it would be the perfect gift for her, the cat lover that she is. Thank you for your help and keep up the good work!

A It would certainly be possible, the success of the project may depend on which font you select for the text, of course.

Q Could you produce a flat or wing shaped kitten suitable for gliding or as a substitute for Frisbees(tm)? I think a kitten in this form would be an ideal gift for a child, being both a companion and a source of healthy exercise. Also, the dual purpose would make the kitten less likely to be discarded or forgotten like so many kittens and Frisbees(tm) sadly are, and surely any kitten would enjoy the fun and attention.

Q Hello, I am interested in purchasing an aerodynamically correct Bonsai Kitty. The idea of a pet mammal, other than a flying squirrel or bat, that could glide due to its body shape intrigues me. May I suggest a LEX Delta wing shape, like the F18 or F22 have. It is an extremely efficient shape, and will work well with a cats natural shape. While I am not certain that the weight to lift ratio will allow it to fly, a cat in the shape of an airplane will be attractive to both children and ex aviators alike, 2 very important markets.

A We have had a lot of interest in Aerokittens, we are sure that a glide-capable model could be created, however we lack the requisite aerodynamic engineering knowledge to be sure to get it right. As I'm sure you understand, with the time and cost that goes into each Bonsai Kitten we can't afford to have too many failed "seconds". Fortunately, business is going so well that we will soon be able to hire a full-time engineer to work on this concept, so please check back with us in a month or two.

Q I am interesting in making my kitten a perfect cube, could you suggest a suitable type of jar to produce the desired effect?

A Cubic containers are relatively easy to find in both glass and plastic, however we are currently out of stock. I suggest checking your local department stores and curio shops. However an even better suggestion might be to grow a bonsai kitten inside the transparent base of one of Apple's Macintosh G4 Cubes! What could be more enjoyable than surfing the internet and growing your new pet with the same attractive piece of hardware?

Q Thank you for taking the time to make you ideas available to the rest of the world, without your site it I may have never found the proper way to mount the chips and controllers necessary for my cybernetic kitty, who like the rest of us is eager to join us in celebrating the fruits of such technological wonders in this new millenium. Your site has saved me some time to say the least. As everyone who tries to mount an integrated flat circuit on a rounded kitty knows there is just no simple solution, and you can forget about keeping their radar signature low. With a rhombus shaped kitty however, chips can be mounted and fused with no chance of seperation of the bio conduit modules. And kitty now can add modules at will due to the proper surfaces, why just the other day I caught kitty playing with one of my old 486 cpus that I had laying around, she had it plugged in backwards and was trying to bite her face, it was a moment to cherish. Once again, thank you.

Q Your website provides invaluable practical information on preserving an artform I had thought long lost, and I am indebted to you. I have a question; if one procures a glass vessel of the desired kitty shape, but the mouth of the container is simply too small to accommodate even the smallest newborn kitten, is it at all possible to utilise the same techniques used for making a 'ship in a bottle', where the individual pieces of the construction are inserted through the narrow neck and assembled in-situ inside the bottle? Perhaps it is possible to insert a live kitty egg and sperm and perform in-vitro fertilization inside the container? Clearly some sort of artificial womb/placenta set-up will be required, but surely in this age of modern science such a thing is possible? Perhaps a simpler and more readily-achievable solution for the bonsai enthusiast without access to the necessary laboratory equipment is to impregnate a suitable mother cat and then gently (with the aid of common surgical tools and appropriate anaesthetic) open her up and carefully insert her womb through the bottle neck, leaving all blood vessels still attached to the cat. This way the entire gestation period can happen in-situ inside the bottle, with no awkward birth and insertion difficulties. For convenience, the glass vessel could be attached with duct-tape to the belly of the mother, permitting an entirely normal and happy life for the mother-to-be. This also raises the fascinating possibility of using embryo cloning techniques to produce two or more _absolutely_ identical bonsai kittens; a mouth-watering prospect for any serious collector.

A Such advanced electronic and biomedical engineering is not our forté, but we are glad that we have helped you in your amazing projects. What a wondrous world we live in!

Q Please acceptÊour heartfelt "Thank You" for the wonderful job you did in shaping our little Bonsaikitten, whom we have affectionately named, "Cal Ripkitten". You'll remember that you shaped little Cal into a baseball shape and he has provided my children hours of enjoyment playing "catch" with him in the backyard. What is so special about Cal, is that if he ever gets lost in the tall weeds behind the barn after an overthrow, he's always so easy to find when we hear his little "meows".Ê It's so easy for the kids or even the dog to locate and retrieve him and bring him back to the game. One thing we did find out about Cal, however, is that he gets very nervous when the kids ask him if he's ready to play a little T-ball.Ê Ha-ha.Ê They're just kidding of course.

A It really makes our day to hear from satisfied customers like you. You make it all worthwhile. Thank you, and best regards to your family and little "Cal".

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